I didn’t know I was waiting for this to happen.
Now that it’s happening I feel very aware, that this is indeed what Iv been waiting for.
I am aware of sensations in my body and the beginning of what I now know is 2.5 weeks of living hell.
So what is happening is realisation.
Realisation that I feel what I feel.
I know what I experience.
I feel, that I now know, I can trust my experience!
It’s freeing and joyous, although somewhat dampened by the physical pain I have today.
The previous 1.5 weeks have been not exactly heaven, but the respite from hell can certainly lead me to believe it’s heaven, even if only for a couple of days!
This cycle has been my adult life.
The confusion.
The confusion I feel, over knowing there are things I can do, but for some reason I am unable to do them.
Two reasons mainly.
1
I mentally don’t know how to start ‘things’, but how is that possible, I could do it yesterday, oh wait, I could do it an hour ago…now I can’t.
2
I force through the mental struggle, I’m a mum. All the while confused to the core about what I’m doing now or what to do next. My body gets under attack from physical symptoms…now I can’t.
Four years ago I became unfit for work.
In that time Iv had the experience of understanding me.
Writing and sharing my experience felt like it was a natural thing for me to do(maybe even fulfil my childhood dream).
If I was living this experience then others were too, yet we feel so isolated. If I could share my health concerns and the impact on family life, then others may resonate and gain comfort and support, just by hearing someone else goes through this too.
There are many reasons why 4 years later I’m still tentative and i will explore each separately, but also look at where they were overlapping and causing the stalemate I found myself in.
I believed that I had to be healed physically and mentally if I wanted to engage with people, what would be the point, what good would I be doing if I had no ‘fixes’for our problems.
Time has taught me that healing is not linear.
Bad days as well as good are part of the human experience.
Sharing experience is not about ‘fixing’ a problem, it’s saying
‘I understand’
‘I hear you’
‘I see you’
That is why I want to share my life experience.
‘I’m fearful’
Iv fully believed this about myself
THE EGO IS FEARFUL
I’m setting it free
It’s no longer welcome to sit with me
I give you thanks for the misplaced protection
Now you are free to go.
