It’s 14.20 on Saturday afternoon. I was supposed to be making my way along Edinburgh streets, heading to a day-time club. As is always the case, I make plans with friends trying to keep some semblance of a social life, and time to have much needed ‘women talk’, even though nine out of ten times I need to cancel at the last minute. Today is one of those days.
Old skool 90’s day-clubbing at Club Tropicana, with my oldest friends from school and long time friend visiting from Australia, was going to be fun, good for my inner child, good for my soul…but my body has other plans for my day, which include baggy sweat pants and a hot water bottle, and resting on the sofa in a horizontal position.
Late on Thursday evening I felt the pull in my stomach of a flare of pain beginning, as the night went on I could see swelling start as the ache progressed, so I went to bed for an early night. Friday morning found me irritable and tired, like I’d not rested at all. My stomach looks like I’ve a bowling ball under my clothes, I feel heavy from head to toes and with zero appetite, as a result of the tummy ache, I am as weak as a kitten.
Throughout the day I’m answering texts from friends about outfits, meeting arrangements and train times, I don’t mention that I feel unwell. I don’t mention it because, I know they are waiting on the familiar text message from me explaining what ailment is causing me to cancel this time. So instead, I tell them about the new skirt I bought earlier in the week, even sending a picture of me trying it on because I feel nice and comfortable in it. We discuss shoes. My friend tells me she is wearing flats, after learning her lesson last time she wore heels to a similar event, another friend says she has to wear boots instead of the heels she’d planned, as just the other day she had skinned both her ankles wearing silly shoes! I tell them I’m undecided, as I need to factor in safety(did I mention I fall a lot?)
My younger two kids get off from school half-day Fridays, so around 12.30, it’s a struggle to boil pasta for lunch as I’m getting weaker as each minute passes and there is always a fear of falling. Two or three bites of pasta I manage to eat as I battle nausea and stomach cramps. Fatigue pushes as the sofa pulls me closer. I told the kids we could try a short walk out by the river next to our house as it’s such a beautiful bright sunny day, but now I’m asking if they mind waiting an hour or so while I lie down and rest. After a busy week at school, they are happy to take a bit time to themselves so I don’t feel too bad.The alarm on my phone goes off at 4pm. Realising quickly that the sleep has not had the effect I’d hoped, I’m still so tired that I find it hard to lift my head and sit up, so I snooze a bit longer. By 4.45pm the realisation that it’s almost dinner time and I’m not sure how I will manage, crying as I wash up the dishes that have accumulated since lunch, we decide on pizza meal deal from Lidl as its close by our house and easy to cook. I see the worry cross my daughters face as she asks if I’m too dizzy to walk, putting out her arm for me to hold, I feel proud of her caring nature and sad that she feels this burden of worry, simultaneously.
By 6.30pm I am in bed, waking every few hours with cramping and aches in my stomach and lower back but quickly falling back asleep. When I woke at 6.30am, I knew that I was not fit enough for the type of dayout we had planned, but that I so wanted to see my friends. So anyway, all that just to say Hi, Hi from me this glorious sunny Saturday, while I feel somewhat sad…even though I’m quite used to this feeling by now, it’s still a bitter pill to swallow.
Still part of me wants to run with the negative emotions, the guilt that I have not spent Saturday the ‘right’ way. ‘Wasted’ a beautiful day. You know the drill…Reality is that I have spent Saturday doing exactly what my body needed most, rest, I spent Saturday resting. The world has not ended. My kids are ok. I’m on my bed, surrounded with books, my journal, laptop and hot water bottle. I’ve meditated with Eckhart Tolle and done breathwork with Victor Oddo, from bed in my comfy baggy’s.
Acceptance has been my word for March. Accepting what is. It’s brought up some ‘stuff’, which I am working through, and a sort of internal peace…like the peace I find in meditation. This acceptance of what is, is peaceful and calm, which is a state my internal self does not recognise or sit entirely comfortable with, but is becoming more familiar and relaxed in its presence.
Where are you this Saturday afternoon/evening? What did you do today to respect your body and being?
How does the word ‘Acceptance’ make you feel?
